Saturday, March 17, 2012

How do you face your challenges?

Artist: Fekete Csaba
"Man on Wire" was such an incredible movie. That man had a goal and told himself that no one on this earth was going to stop him; not even America! That was definitely a dangerous mission and you need extreme motivation to have accomplished such mission. He had a challenge...a very serious one but he withstood all the consequences and fears towards accomplishment and success. With my story, it's probably confusing to know whether i did break through those challenges to accomplish success. It was definitely a tough challenge and i did my best to take on it. I probably succeeded in some way that benefited me more than the original goal i wanted to accomplish. I tried to save my dad's life from Cancer after our modern medicine gave up on him...did i win? did the cancer win? We both won. What were my main challenges:-
  1. Do as much research on natural solutions for cancer and implement as soon as possible
  2. Pray as much as possible for dad, for me and for everything.
  3. Keep up with school while visiting dad in the hospital
  4. Stay with my dad over night when he came home
  5. Keep a good mood going
  6. Help mom and the nurse with specific tasks for my dad
  7. Try to make dad eat despite his extreme unfavorable appetite
  8. serve my dad in any way possible
  9. Along with my brothers, make any wishes he has come true
The challenge began and it kicked me first. I had to drop one course because i couldnt focus. By the end of the semester i had three classes and did ok considering the amount of stress. Then there was that dark room that had one lamp. Mom was with dad during day time, but we didnt want her to be tired so i took over the night shift. It was a challenge staying awake. But who was i staying up for mattered so much more than my rest. It was me, dad and my laptop. Day after day i was searching so many websites. A flow of information that took me to websites all the way to Japan, Germany, Spain, Africa and so many other places for information to get rid of cancer. I was desperate to save dad every day. In the  night i was in the run for information and in the day time i was on the run to health stores. I found a lot of helpful things to give my dad. We tried them and they worked to a certain extent. However, what was inside of him was worst than what you can ever imagine; stage 4 cancer. It was like angry moving waters that were sweeping everything on their way. Can you imagine the pain? It's like he has a cactus in his stomach rotating all day! I dont even know how he had the strength to withstand that his morphine wears off.

All i was able to do was feed him stuff that made him feel ok at times, but besides that i was POWERLESS! We were all ready to donate anything; liver, kidney,etc...we dont care, we would do it for him without any questions. I wish we had that option. However, no matter what, you cant save a life that has to go. My biggest challenge here was to keep him ok everyday. I was trying everything everyday. I searched for massaging techniques that would keep him comfortable at least. Everyday, i massaged his legs and his arms gently. Every day i tried to get him to talk a little tell me stories of his past. I found all sorts of food and healthy mixtures in the hope of building an arm to defeat what ever was inside. However, cancer was vicious and ready to shred whatever was on its way. He was sick and it was time for me to pay him back for everything he did for me; although sometimes i felt that no matter how much i tried i will never be able to repay him. I was in so much debt for him and still am.

On top of that he still repaid me for all i was trying to do for him...with what? His smile. There were times where i wasnt home for two days due to other things, but the day i showed up to see him, he gave me that tired smile that traveled from his lips to my my my heart...and it felt so wonderful! So loving! So caring! I cant ever repay the tired smile that was glad to see me. I remembered that smiled and worked so hard to save his life. That was my challenge and i didnt win his life but i learned a lot about what it takes to take care of your health. It almost felt like an art to take care of him and i loved doing it. That's where i felt like i accomplished a challenge. Despite the nights where i was exhausted i stayed awake (barely.) I ate as much healthy sweets (like fruits) as possible to stay awake and keep searching. Sometimes i would see him asleep so i would try to sleep on the bed next to him, but the minute i hear his voice, i awake! I cant be sleeping if his voice is indirectly calling me. How can i enjoy my sleep if he is not. Now imagine that you fall into a deep sleep and the minute you do that you are awaken. That was me for days because his needs were extremely more important to me. Two days before he past, i went to the Islamic holy place (Mosque) because i felt that i was losing him and i had to make a step towards preparation despite the sadness that never wanted me to go anywhere. That was as real as it got and i had to do it for the sake of his peace. During the last days i woke everyone in the house to come together and pray by my dad's side; to pray for what ever was coming. He was no longer responding. It was another challenge that i had to sit through no matter what. I already promised that i will be with him every step of the way.

Thursday Feb 2, 2012 6AM... The last morning of my dad's mornings. His breathing changed and was going fast then gradually slowing down...that last morning every breath he took felt like pulling a mountain towards me. I was crying and just kept saying to myself, "please take the next breath...please take it." My challenges were gone with all the effort i have done. Nothing mattered now because now im just down to one challenge and promise; stay with him till he says goodbye. I stayed...i hugged him...i kissed his forehead...i smelled his scent for the last time and felt his breath against my cheek. I came back and forth from the room to the other room comforting my mom. I came back just in time to say goodbye. My brothers were there also. He squeezed my older brother's hand for one last breath...two hiccups followed and that was it. I was at a red light but it was green for him.  I accomplished the last challenge and it felt so................... There were unexplained things that happened that day, i'll hopefully share it in another post.

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