|Artist: Fekete Csaba|
- Do as much research on natural solutions for cancer and implement as soon as possible
- Pray as much as possible for dad, for me and for everything.
- Keep up with school while visiting dad in the hospital
- Stay with my dad over night when he came home
- Keep a good mood going
- Help mom and the nurse with specific tasks for my dad
- Try to make dad eat despite his extreme unfavorable appetite
- serve my dad in any way possible
- Along with my brothers, make any wishes he has come true
All i was able to do was feed him stuff that made him feel ok at times, but besides that i was POWERLESS! We were all ready to donate anything; liver, kidney,etc...we dont care, we would do it for him without any questions. I wish we had that option. However, no matter what, you cant save a life that has to go. My biggest challenge here was to keep him ok everyday. I was trying everything everyday. I searched for massaging techniques that would keep him comfortable at least. Everyday, i massaged his legs and his arms gently. Every day i tried to get him to talk a little bit...to smile...to tell me stories of his past. I found all sorts of food and healthy mixtures in the hope of building an arm to defeat what ever was inside. However, cancer was vicious and ready to shred whatever was on its way. He was sick and it was time for me to pay him back for everything he did for me; although sometimes i felt that no matter how much i tried i will never be able to repay him. I was in so much debt for him and still am.
On top of that he still repaid me for all i was trying to do for him...with what? His smile. There were times where i wasnt home for two days due to other things, but the day i showed up to see him, he gave me that tired smile that traveled from his lips to my eyes...to my thoughts...to my heart...and it felt so wonderful! So loving! So caring! I cant ever repay the tired smile that was glad to see me. I remembered that smiled and worked so hard to save his life. That was my challenge and i didnt win his life but i learned a lot about what it takes to take care of your health. It almost felt like an art to take care of him and i loved doing it. That's where i felt like i accomplished a challenge. Despite the nights where i was exhausted i stayed awake (barely.) I ate as much healthy sweets (like fruits) as possible to stay awake and keep searching. Sometimes i would see him asleep so i would try to sleep on the bed next to him, but the minute i hear his voice, i awake! I cant be sleeping if his voice is indirectly calling me. How can i enjoy my sleep if he is not. Now imagine that you fall into a deep sleep and the minute you do that you are awaken. That was me for days because his needs were extremely more important to me. Two days before he past, i went to the Islamic holy place (Mosque) because i felt that i was losing him and i had to make a step towards preparation despite the sadness that never wanted me to go anywhere. That was as real as it got and i had to do it for the sake of his peace. During the last days i woke everyone in the house to come together and pray by my dad's side; to pray for what ever was coming. He was no longer responding. It was another challenge that i had to sit through no matter what. I already promised that i will be with him every step of the way.
Thursday Feb 2, 2012 6AM... The last morning of my dad's mornings. His breathing changed and was going fast then gradually slowing down...that last morning every breath he took felt like pulling a mountain towards me. I was crying and just kept saying to myself, "please take the next breath...please take it." My challenges were gone with all the effort i have done. Nothing mattered now because now im just down to one challenge and promise; stay with him till he says goodbye. I stayed...i hugged him...i kissed his forehead...i smelled his scent for the last time and felt his breath against my cheek. I came back and forth from the room to the other room comforting my mom. I came back just in time to say goodbye. My brothers were there also. He squeezed my older brother's hand for one last breath...two hiccups followed and that was it. I was at a red light but it was green for him. I accomplished the last challenge and it felt so................... There were unexplained things that happened that day, i'll hopefully share it in another post.